Show Me What I'm Looking For
by SISbabyy
Summary: She was scrubbing him off her skin, desperately trying to forget the thoughts and feelings he evoked out of her. They wouldn't get to her again, never again. House/Cameron.
1. Starting Now

**_Title_**: **Starting Now 1/?**  
**_Rating_**: T  
**_Pairing_**: House/Cameron  
**_Warnings_**: none, really, unless you count angst.  
**_Summary_**: She was scrubbing him off her skin, desperately trying to forget the thoughts and feelings he evoked out of her. They wouldn't get to her again, never again.

**A/N**: This is my first House and Cameron story so I really hope you guys like it!

_I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin  
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin  
Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains  
Spinning away every piece that remains of you._

_Starting Now-Ingrid Michaelson_

-*-

Cameron got home after a long day at work. She had patients all day, every hour, and she was beat. Not to mention that House decided to drop by and bother her until she physically pushed him out. She still didn't understand why he went to see her when in all reality he didn't have to. She didn't work for him anymore, didn't really have much to do with him, and yet he still came around often enough. She ran a hand through her hair and sighed, pushing back her thoughts of House that seemed to be consuming her brain more and more lately. Cameron didn't want to admit it, but those blue eyes still had a way of getting to her. She dismissed it as nothing though, convincing herself it was just because she hadn't seen him in a little while and so she lost her willpower at times. That's all it was, that's all it was going to be.

When she walked in the whole apartment was dark save for candles scattered around the room. They were on almost every piece of furniture, igniting the would be dark apartment to a soft glow. She took a couple steps and stopped, something crunched slightly as she walked. When she looked down, she almost gasped. There were rose petals all spread out on the floor. Cameron looked ahead and saw tons more. Her heart started beating rapidly. She tried to think back to their anniversary, it wasn't today. They didn't celebrate much else so this could only mean one thing…_oh God_.

Chase emerged from the bedroom, a huge grin on his face. It just made Cameron's stomach turn more. He couldn't be doing this; it was too soon, way too soon.

"Hey," He said softly, obviously trying to mask the nervousness he felt. "How was you're day?"

He took a few steps towards her and Cameron fought the urge to take a few back.

"Fine," She replied looking around the apartment, "Chase…what is all this?"

"You're surprise," He said happily and stepped right in front of her so they were inches apart.

Chase didn't wait for her to respond, he went right into the speech he looked like he had prepared for months before. All Cameron could do was stare at him and hope her face didn't look too scared. Judging by the way he was looking hesitantly at her, she wasn't doing a very good job.

"Cameron," He began, taking her hands in his and looking her straight in the eyes, "It's been such a long road for us, first being under House's thumb for three years…"

Cameron really wished he didn't bring House into this.

"And then sleeping together one time, then more times, until we were actually in a relationship. I probably don't have to tell you this because it was almost certainly obvious, but I've loved you ever since you started working here. I know you are hesitant about making the first step because of what you went through before but, I love you Allison, so much so that this was the easiest step for me to make. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Cameron's heart melted a little at his speech but still didn't know if this was what she wanted. She watched as he got down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"

All the air in the room left as soon as Chase uttered those words, those very words that froze her completely on the spot. Marriage? They had only been going out for about three years. Then again, she did marry when she was young, but that was different. She loved Chase, she knew she did, but this just all felt too fast. Honestly she didn't really ever think of her future with Chase, just thought of her own at the hospital, working in the ER. And what about this whole thing with House she still had yet to get over? She didn't even know what it was. She thought she was over him but the more he came around the more she was starting to question her feelings for both him and Chase. But Chase worked so hard, and looked so loving in this moment that it was so hard to turn away from it.

She knew if she said no now she would lose Chase forever. This was about deciding her fate, her future, and maybe she was wrong. Maybe this was how it was really supposed to be. House certainly wasn't doing much to show her she meant anything to him, but Chase was. What was she doing still wasting her time on the same guy that broke her heart and stomped on it too many times to count?

She cleared her throat and squeezed his hands, getting ready to utter the very words that she was so afraid to say, "Yes."

He chuckled slightly and smiled wide, putting the ring on her finger. It fit perfectly. She managed a smile and he picked her up and spun her around, kissing her forehead, her cheeks and then finally her lips. The phone rang and Chase put her down. House immediately entered her mind. She walked over to see who it was. The caller ID flashed Forman, and she let herself relax. She looked at Chase questioningly, and he just shrugged.

"He helped me set it all up," He took the phone and began talking to Forman. Cameron could hear a 'She said yes!' scream from the hallway. Cameron smiled genuinely for the first time since she entered her apartment.

Suddenly her beeper went off. She fished through her coat pockets to find it but when she did she regretted it. It read 'Gregory House-come asap'. Why was he paging her anyways? She didn't work for him anymore. And why now of all times? Her heart constricted, and her mind took it as a sign this was a mistake. She took a deep breath and made a decision. Gregory House would no longer dictate her happiness, this was the final straw. She turned her pager off, put on a smile, and went to find Chase, her new fiancé and future husband.

-

The ER was quiet, allowing her to finally let reality sink in. Chase proposed to her two weeks ago, _two weeks ago, _and she still couldn't get it through her head that they were going to be married. That _she_ was getting _married_. _Oh God._

She still couldn't say the words out loud without her heart beating really fast and her head starting to hurt. This isn't how people are supposed to feel months before their wedding. As soon as she had said yes Chase began babbling on about how he had the perfect date but it's a little bit earlier than expected. When he uttered the month of May, Cameron just about passed out. It was so soon.

She nervously wrings her hands together, feeling itchy and uncomfortable.

She wished the ring didn't feel so heavy on her finger.

She hears the doors swing open and immediately hopes it's not House. She's managed to avoid him ever since the proposal and planned on avoiding him for as long as she could. She knows she won't be able to seem normal if he's near her. He would know something was wrong, and then she would most likely spill everything to him, resulting in nothing but consequences. Even though it was wrong and could be mistaken as still having feelings for him, Cameron still wanted House to think she and Chase had the perfect relationship. She didn't reveal much to him about their relationship, and he didn't really ask, but whenever she and Chase were around each other in the hospital Cameron was just a little bit sweeter towards her boyfriend. Chase of course didn't notice a difference; he probably was just appreciating the new attitude. She knew she wasn't so nice to him all the time and tried to change that, but time passed and nothing happened. She often wondered why Chase wasn't enough to change for.

It wasn't House walking towards her, but it was someone close enough. James Wilson entered her ER and he didn't look happy. She had sent him an invitation to her wedding about three days ago, knowing full well that he got it today.

He stopped a couple feet away from her, lingering towards her desk located on the side of the room. At first she thought he would just storm in and get out, but after a couple minutes of silence he spoke up.

"I got your invitation," He says calmly.

She looked up at him and gave him a small smile. "Good. I'd love it if you came."

"May 15th huh?" He questions, "Don't you think that's a little early?"

He had an accusing tone, one that she didn't like very much. The way he said it made it seem as if she wanted to get married as quickly as possible to avoid something, something like her feelings for House. Wilson was the one that could always read her emotion level, it was probably something he had gotten good at because of his previous wives, but it still worried her all the same.

"Chase liked the date, and wanted to get married as soon as possible. If it's what he wants, I'm all for it."

He nodded and stayed silent for a couple more minutes. She knew he was contemplating how to bring up the next subject he desperately wanted to discuss. Cameron knew it was coming, knew it ever since Chase proposed, and was mad that she still had to be concerned with House while planning her wedding. Now he managed to butt into her life without even saying anything, or even knowing what was going on.

"Did you tell him yet?" Wilson asks quietly, his eyes turned towards the floor.

She shakes her head, words not being able to form from her mouth. It wouldn't matter if they did anyways.

"You have to tell him," He urges, "You know he'll be upset if you don't."

"No I don't know," Cameron snaps as she shuffles papers around, now irritated. "House is House; he's never upset about anything. He chooses not to show his emotions, keeps them bottled up until they can't be bottled up anymore, which is usually the very last minute, and then explodes."

"So you're afraid of him exploding sometime before your wedding is that it?"

She sighs loudly, stops what she's doing, and turns towards Wilson. "I can't deal with him before my wedding Wilson. And besides, he's involved with Cuddy now, right?"

He nods, "I think so, but it's hard to tell these days. He hasn't been the same in a while."

Cameron almost cringes. She could tell he was changing, and not for the better. He had gotten harder, more bitter, more unwilling to change. He wasn't the House she had worked under, and a part of her was sad that that House was gone.

"I know," she admits, not bothering to hide her observation, "But it doesn't mean he's going to show any emotion before my wedding. I'm not expecting him to."

"Cameron," He says softly, grabbing her wrists lightly and making her look into his eyes, "It's going to mean something to him, even if he doesn't show it, it _will _affect him."

She sighs deeply. His words cut into her and she bears the pain.

Swallowing, Cameron breaks out of his grip. "He's not my responsibility anymore."

She begins walking away quickly, seeing someone waving her over to take care of a patient.

"He's not going to handle it well." He slips in before she can get away. Her stride stops momentarily, but she picks it back up again.

By the time she's done, Wilson is long gone.

-

Her shifts just about over, but she can't stop thinking about her conversation with Wilson earlier. Was he really right when he said he would be affected by it? She didn't believe it. House could be caring at times, but when it came to her it was different. He cared in a different way. She still believes he thought she was too fragile for him to fall into.

"_You have to tell him."_

Wilson's words are still ringing in her ears. She wished they would stop. She has enough to think about.

She hears the doors swing open again and knows for a fact this time that House is the one passing through them. She takes a deep breath, hoping he didn't hear, and pretends to look busy.

He limps over towards where she was currently sitting, and stands above her. His height makes her feel small.

"House," Cameron says softly, finally acknowledging his presence.

"Cameron," He snips back. She remembers how infuriating he could be and how much she could love and hate him all at once.

"What are you doing here?" She finally looks up at him, wishing she didn't. Those blue eyes are boring into hers and she forgets everything that's going on.

"_So you're afraid of him exploding sometime before your wedding is that it?"_

Wilson's words keep bringing her back to reality. This was what she was trying to avoid. These random visits from him were alarming, always unpredictable and always loaded with tension. She wouldn't be able to handle it on her wedding day.

"You're avoiding me," He says in that curious voice of his, "I came to find out why."

He says the last part so softly that Cameron thinks she's going to give in. But she knows if she does she will do something stupid, and she can't risk that right now.

She stands up abruptly and walks over to the other side of the room, pretending she was getting some papers. "I am not."

She can feel him nodding slightly at her reply. She has trouble focusing on the documents in front of her and prays he doesn't notice.

"You look tired," He observes, her eyes are baggy, her face worn, her shoulders slouched. He drops the subject, maybe because he sees how tired she is or maybe because he has an idea why. "Rough day down in the big bad ER?"

She hates how well he can still read her.

"I'm fine," She replies sharply, suddenly tired of his games. They never got her anywhere before, so why would it matter now? She was moving on in her life, she didn't need to deal with this, she was getting _married_. Her brain snapped awake at the thought of her marriage and the fact that he still didn't know.

"You're lying."

"You're lingering. Is there anything else you needed?"

He shakes his head and doesn't say anything for what seems like hours. His eyes never leave hers though, and it makes her feel things she shouldn't.

"No," He finally says and begins to walk away. He stops right in front of the doors and turns around to face her again, that curious look resurfacing on his features. "Did Wilson stop by earlier?"

"No." She lies. This is right, what she is doing is right.

He nods once and pushes through the doors, already on his way back to his office. The thought crosses her mind that he might have been worried she wasn't talking to him and that's what launched his visit. It might have been enough before, but not now. She has other things to think about, other things to plan.

And Gregory House was not going to be in any one of those things. She turns off her desk light and sees him standing near the elevator. She slips away before he can see her.

"_He's not going to handle it well."_

She doesn't care, she keeps repeating over and over again. It doesn't matter now, its over, they're over, and the sad part is that it never really even started.


	2. Secret Oath

_I'm destroying my mind  
trying to understand how with little to no effort  
you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands_

_Tonight I made a secret oath  
to keep chasing after you  
and I am not going to stop  
whether you like it or not_

**A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews! I'm glad to see there are still a few House and Cameron fans around! **

-

Everyone was acting strange.

People avoided his face, looking down at the floor or straight ahead whenever they passed by. He didn't know the reason and at first he didn't care, but after awhile it got old. House thought back to what could possibly be going on that would make people afraid to look him in the eyes, besides the obvious. He eventually could think of nothing so he went into his office to try and try to rid himself of the situation.

He made himself comfortable, his feet up on his desk, eyes closed, and head tilted back listening to his iPod. He started to get to the point where his thoughts had slowed down before he heard the door to his office open. He peaked an eye open, seeing that Wilson was standing in front of his desk, his eyes downcast towards the floor. The feeling of irritation crept back up and House debated whether to keep his eyes closed or acknowledge that he was standing there.

"I know you know I'm here," Wilson said clearly annoyed and House opened his eyes realizing Wilson was getting good at reading him.

House remained in the same position, and Wilson sat down in one of the chairs in front of him.

"How are you doing?" Wilson asked him carefully. House, confused, just looked at him. "You seem okay about it."

Now House glared, obviously confused as to what Wilson was getting at. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Wilson's face turned from careful to shocked, to guilty all in one second. House knew this piece of news he had must be big, and must affect himself in some way. Wilson sighed heavily, clasping his hands together and focused on the window behind House.

"I'm a big boy," House said mockingly, "I think I can handle whatever you know."

"This is different, this is…" Wilson trailed off. House kept staring, expecting him to finish his sentence. "About Cameron and Chase."

House chuckled slightly. "Are the ducklings taking a break? It was only a matter of time before…"

"They're getting married House," Wilson cut him off. "Chase proposed three weeks ago. They're getting married in May."

House's once relaxed posture immediately straightened up. His feet were now firmly planted on the floor, his body leaning towards the front of his desk, his eyes wide and unexpecting. That was 5 months from now, they weren't even going to be engaged for a year. Is this why everyone was acting so strange? Everyone knew about their engagement? Everyone except for him.

"Oh," House's voice was low. "How long have you known?"

"About two weeks," Wilson answered honestly, knowing it was the only way House was going to process this clearly. "I thought you knew."

"Of course I didn't know!" House suddenly shouted. Wilson cringed slightly, knowing he was going to get it from Cameron later. After they last talked about telling House about it she was convinced she wasn't going to do it. But after Wilson persisted so much she finally said she would tell him today. Wilson just assumed she had broken the news already, but he was obviously mistaken. "Of course she wouldn't tell me."

The last part was quiet, and Wilson had to strain himself to hear it and put it together. He knew this wasn't easy for his friend, it wasn't what he wanted and even if he didn't admit it Wilson knew he still had a soft spot for the beautiful doctor. He also knew that Cuddy still very much had feelings for House and he was just starting to slightly warm up to the idea of something happening between them. When Cuddy got the wedding invitation she asked if House knew and when Wilson told her no her face _did_ have a sense of relief to it. Wilson just hoped House wouldn't do something stupid like crush Cuddy.

"How did you find out?" House asked, breaking Wilson out of his thoughts.

"I got an invitation in the mail. I didn't think much of it until I opened it and saw it was for a wedding. Finding out it was for Chase and Cameron was just the trigger on this bomb."

House nodded once, now standing and pacing back and forth. Wilson watched him carefully, now fully interested in how he was going to react. And judging by his immediate reaction, House really did have strong feelings for Cameron, stronger than Wilson had originally thought before.

But then again it was House, and House was always good at hiding.

Wilson was once again pulled out of his analysis when he saw House began walking towards the exit of his office. Wilson called out to him.

"House!" He yelled and when House turned around slowly Wilson softened his voice, "Don't do anything stupid."

House could only nod silently again before walking out of his office and no doubt on his way to see Cameron in the ER.

Wilson sighed. This wasn't easy for his friend that was for sure, but Wilson just hoped he wouldn't do anything that would compromise his and Cameron's friendship, Cameron was just about the last one that House let in.

-

House walked briskly, his thoughts all in a jumble and disorganized. Cameron and Chase engaged? It seemed like an oxy moron. Even though they had been dating for a few years the idea of them actually _staying _together never crossed his mind. The idea of them _breaking up _however, was a course that ran through his mind often. He could just see it, Cameron walking down the isle in the infamous white dress, her hair pinned back and her stride perfectly straight. Chase would have his long hair slicked back, his tux crisp and ready to go, and when they would finally meet after her long journey from the doors to the altar he would look at her with love and admiration. Just the mere thought of it disgusted him.

It was wrong, so _wrong_. House shook the image from his mind, trying to focus on the now instead of the future. Right now they weren't married, which calmed him down immensely.

He was on his way to the ER to maybe talk some sense into Cameron. She couldn't want this, she couldn't want _Chase_.

House was almost there when a hand on his arm appeared and stopped him. It was Cuddy. House didn't have time for whatever instruction she was going to give him.

"Not now," He said sternly, trying to pass her by.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"To see Wilson," He lied. She didn't believe it.

She gave him a look. "Wilson's office is the other way." When House didn't say anything, Cuddy knew exactly where he was going. Her face softened in defeat. "You know."

"Know what?" He asked, trying to deflect the question casually.

"About the engagement," Cuddy replied slowly. She watched his face for any rise in emotion, any change in his face, just any sign to show that there was some hurt.

The word 'engagement' was not a word that House liked hearing right now. His first instinct was to flinch, but restrained knowing that Cuddy would take it personal. He knew they had been skating around circles lately and she was getting tired of the games. In truth, so was he. There was a reason why he kept playing games though, kept delaying the inevitable to happen, and that reason was clear enough now.

"Oh that," House said nonchalantly, "Yeah I heard. Its great, it just gives me another chance to drink and eat whatever I want. And who knows? Maybe I'll even pick up somebody from the bridal party. That's always fun."

"So you'll be celebrating?"

House swallowed slowly, quiet emotion seeping through his features. He recovered quickly. "Of course I will, them getting married means they'll have their own life, and stay out of mine."

By this time Cuddy's hand had been lifted off of his arm and he was already on his way down the hallway, successfully ending their conversation. Cuddy didn't bother stopping him, knowing his white lie about where he was going was no where near as big as the lie he just told now.

-

The ER was quiet, a stark contrast to the way it usually is with patients spilling out all over the place, needing immediate care. For once House was grateful for the silence, it made him think clearly. He was mad, furious even, that she hadn't bothered to tell him. They weren't _close_ friends, but in a weird way they were just House and Cameron. They talked about things at random times and they told each other personal things when either of them was caught crying or contemplating. Their relationship was nowhere near normal, but then again, neither were they.

When she had worked for him he was hard on her, pushing her to try harder, to be better, and to stop caring for others like she did and still does. He thought of himself as her charity case, her ideal damaged mate that she was waiting to come around. But as time went on, his firm of beliefs of being Cameron's damaged puppy subsided. She didn't treat him like he was damaged, not really, she treated him like every other human being, just a little bit snarkier. Nobody had ever done that, not even Wilson or Cuddy. They looked at him and all they saw was his past, and especially his miserable future. It was hard to be around them sometimes, because they knew so much about him. Cameron didn't know him, didn't know is past that well, and even though she had tried, she hadn't pushed.

She was the only one that didn't try and change him to be something better. She just accepted him the way he is, bitter and angry about the things he can't change, and deep and brilliant towards the things he can, like saving lives.

House knew she understood that more than anyone, even Wilson and Cuddy. Cameron had been around long enough to feel what he feels, and has seen enough to deal with what he deals with. Working under him brought them the closest in communication, most of the time without words.

The thought of all of that being taken away because of her marrying someone entirely wrong for her made House go insane. This wasn't a puzzle, but it had his brain going as if it were.

Realizing what he had always known about Cameron made House uneasy and angry for having this turn of events happen now. She seemed weird the last time they talked and House could only imagine this was why. It made him feel a little bit better that he could still tell when she was stressed.

He walked around the ER, looking for the caring blonde he had known for so long. He found her next to a bed, there was no patient in it but she was filling out one of the charts left on the bedside table.

"Dr. Allison Chase," He addressed her harshly, the words coming out of his mouth like poison. "That has a speck of disdain in it, don't you think?"

She turned around slowly, her clipboard now clutched on her side, her eyes hesitantly reaching his. He stared back with great scorn. She seemed a little caught off guard, but tried her best not to show it. He hoped she would.

"Wilson?" She guessed. House moved in a little closer, leaning on his cane for support when he reached the bedside table she was currently next to.

"No actually it was Chase," He quipped, "He was just so gosh darn excited to tell me!"

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair that was now falling out of its pony tail. Certainly a result of her busy and stressful day down in the ER. She sat down on the bed and put the clipboard back on the table it was on before.

"What do you want from me House?" She asked softly.

This just enraged him more. "What do I want? I want you to tell me what in the hell you were thinking when you said yes!"

"I was thinking that I was in love with him," She said and looked down at the floor. The avoidance of his eyes told him it was a different story.

"We both know you're not in love with him."

She laughed lightly and looked up at him. "Of course you would know, you're House which means you know what everyone is thinking and feeling all the time everyday. You're unbelievable."

He looked at her, his eyes burning a hole in her as they always did. Except now it was different. Something inside of him snapped earlier, making him for once in his life fight for something that could easily be taken away.

"Can you really see yourself married to this guy for the _rest_ of your life?" House dug in, moving closer to the bed that she occupied. "Spending anniversaries, birthday's, holidays, weekends…everything you do from here on out will include him. Can you deal with that?"

She stood up then, his words and accusations slowly getting to her. "What do you want me to tell you House? That no I can't picture doing any of that because I'm still in love with you?" She had her hands on her hips, her eyes locked with his.

He stared at her, wanting his eyes to say what he couldn't. She broke eye contact. "You know what House? Just leave."

Cameron walked to the desk that House was leaning against moments before. She was gathering papers frantically, looking desperately for something to do with her hands to distract her.

House was on his way out until he stopped and turned around half-way. This was his last attempt to get through to her.

"You're giving up," He said quietly, making Cameron turn around with a confused look on her face.

"What?"

"You're giving up!" He suddenly yelled, limping over to where she stood. His voice echoed throughout the empty walls of the ER.

"On what! I'm still going to have my job, my career, my friends..." She trailed off. "I'm starting _my_ future House, the only thing I'm giving up on is _ours_."

"Exactly!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. That one word confronted all he was afraid of and it scared him knowing that now that it was out there, she had the ability to hurt him.

She pressed her body against his, her eyes pleading him to finally say what they both knew all along. If he just said a few words, she would be his completely. He stared back at her, torn between saying those words and kissing her. This was the part where he ran away from it all, ruining everything in the process. He stood where he was though, his eyes still glued on hers.

"Why can't you ever just say it?" She asked, her voice breaking at the end. She hadn't been this vulnerable in a long time, and the question pulled him back to their conversation at her door. She was laying it all out for him once again, and he wasn't giving anything up.

Cameron sighed and looked away, turning to leave when House's hand on her arm stopped her. She looked up at him.

"You can't marry him," He whispered, his eyes now the softest she's ever seen them.

"Why not?" She asked just as gently.

His big blue eyes seemed to get wider, making her pay attention more. She knew what he was trying to convey, but the more selfish part of her wanted to hear him _say_ it.

"You know why," He answered, his once strong voice now matching her broken one. "Stay Cameron. With me."

"What does that mean?"

She leaned in closer, the hand that was around her wrist now snaked around her waist. She parted her lips in anticipation, knowing the border she was about to cross was one she should have always stayed away from.

"I-" He began but was interrupted when someone from her team in the ER came barging in with a patient. She cursed him for his incredibly bad timing, but also wondered if this was a sign that she should marry Chase, and forget all about House.

He pulled back from her, his eyes now downcast on the floor. Cameron felt cold now that she was out of his embrace. She would always feel cold without his embrace.

"Here," She said pulling her wedding invitation out of her scrub pocket and into his outstretched hand. She swallowed hard, the words she was about to say next getting stuck in her throat. "I hope you can make it."

He didn't say anything, and Cameron knew this was where it ends. She had to get back to work and he had to get back to popping Vicodin and trying to forget this conversation ever happened. Just this one time did she wish that things were different.

Tears welled in her eyes.

He was out the door before Cameron even reached the patient, and she stared after him, wiping away the unshed tears. She took a deep breath and let her arms dangle at her sides. She turned around and walked to where she was needed, not looking back once.

If she did though, she would have seen House sitting on one of the spare beds in the hallway with his head cradled in one hand, torn between doing the right thing or what he wanted, and her wedding invitation clutched in the other, directly in front of his heart.


	3. Find Your Way Back Part 1

_What if I said what I was thinking?_

_What if that says too much?_

_When everybody's got a reason_

_I feel like giving up_

Find Your Way Back-Michelle Branch

**-**** Part 1**

Wilson knocked loudly on the door, hoping to wake the person inside of it and quite possibly the whole hallway. He was done with this routine that he and House had started and that had been going on for weeks now, it was getting old. House would act out of hand, Cuddy would send him home, he would stay there and order strippers, then pass out and wouldn't answer his phone so Wilson would go and check on him. It was worrisome in the beginning, but now it was just annoying.

Wilson knew this was all just House acting out because of Chase and Cameron's engagement. He heard about House and Cameron's talk, and found out it didn't go very well. Cameron was hesitant towards House, House tried to get her to say she didn't love Chase, and chaos ensued. Wilson knew House was angry about what was going on, but he also knew he wasn't ready to do something about it. The drinking, the outbursts, the avoiding, and the carelessness; they were all the same things House did when him and Stacey broke up. Except this time, they were worse.

"House open up!" Wilson yelled.

It was a couple minutes before Wilson actually heard noise behind the door, and he briefly considered tearing it down, but stopped when he heard shuffling.

The door opened swiftly, revealing a very tired looking, dirty, crabby House. His regular stubble was now almost a real beard, and his normally bright blue eyes were now an indigo. House was, in a word, a mess. "This is getting old."

"You're telling me," Wilson replied rolling his eyes. He tried to look inside but House blocked his view. Wilson shook his head and looked at him seriously. "House you have to stop this."

House straightened for a second, his eyes wide and focused. Wilson wondered what he said that snapped him back. Knowing House wouldn't tell him if he asked, he went on.

"You've been drinking yourself into oblivion for weeks now. Cuddy's worried-"

"Cuddy's always worried," House interrupted, his voice irritated. He kept his eyes trained to the floor.

"-You're not working on any cases, and you're team is considering quitting because they have no work to do and have a boss that's rarely there. And since you weren't really there before anyways, it's really saying something."

House opened the door fully but kept his hand on it to prevent Wilson from getting through.

"I'm fine," He said defensively, "Is it so wrong to have a passion for drinking before noon everyday?"

"No, but unless you want to become an alcoholic more so than you already are, then I suggest you stop."

"I don't need a babysitter." House looked at him gravely, and it was then that Wilson knew to stop.

He knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with House, not tonight anyways. Eventually though, he was going to have to come out of this haze because the wedding was going to go on, and he will have to deal with the loss of Cameron.

"I wanted to see if you were okay," Wilson said softly, "You weren't answering your phone."

"Yeah well, I'm fine. No checking up needed. Now I'm tired, it's late, and I have work tomorrow."

"You might not, with the way you're going."

"Cuddy's not going to fire me, she loves me too much." House said and then started to close the door. He gave Wilson a softer look. "I just need time to think this over."

"This isn't the way to do it House," Wilson said sadly.

And just like that, the softness was gone.

"It is for me," He replied, "I'll see you tomorrow."

And then the door closed and Wilson was left once again to ponder how House would act the next day to get sent home, and continue this useless routine. Wilson sighed and walked down the hallway, ignoring the angry neighbors who got woken up, and retreated back home once again with no improvement.

-

House walked into his office with big, dark sunglasses on. He had a hangover the size of Texas, and any sunlight was a burden to his throbbing head. It had been days since he'd actually used it; the case load was few now that he had proved he was unstable.

He had been coming in later than usual, and when he did come in at all he was drunk and disoriented. The Cuddy he used to know would have lain in on him, but not anymore. This Cuddy came into his office and asked how he was _feeling_. He responded with fine, like he had been for the past 100 times people asked him, but in all reality he knew he wasn't fine, and so did they.

House walked over and sat down in his desk, for once wishing the doors weren't made of glass but of an actual wall so he didn't have to see people in the hospital…or the sunlight. He wasn't drunk yet, which was a start, but he did have an overwhelming urge to get started. Had it not have been because of his headache, he probably already would have. He was expecting someone to come in and see how he was doing. Wilson, Cuddy, and his team rotated for every day of the week. But he didn't feel like talking, and he really didn't feel like feeling.

If he would let himself admit it, he would say that he blew it with Cameron and that he couldn't exactly deal with that. The thought of her belonging to someone else for the rest of his life was unbearable, and he was surprised that it took him this long to find that out, considering he always figured things out quickly. Maybe this was too hard to confront though, and that was why he was too stubborn or too distracted to actually try. When Cameron got with Chase he was almost relieved, it gave him a chance to put off his and Cameron's situation for a little while. But he always thought of her and Chase's relationship as temporary and not at all permanent.

Not that he initially saw himself marrying Cameron either.

Cameron was exactly what he described her as when she asked him why he hired her. She was lobby art in every sense. Too valuable and too much of a commitment to buy, but too important and too painful to give away. He liked to keep Cameron at a safe distance so she couldn't get near enough to his heart but also couldn't be pushed far enough to fully disappear. It had worked for the four and half years she had been at the hospital, but now it was obvious his extensive plan had to be broken.

She couldn't marry Chase; he wouldn't accept it.

Suddenly feeling the need for lots and lots of drinks, House got up from his desk, tired of thinking too much about one thing, and headed for the lounge to see if there was anything strong hidden in the cabinets.

-

Wilson was walking down the hallway to see Cameron about House when Cuddy's yell stopped him.

"Wilson!" She called and when he turned around he saw her practically sprinting to catch up with him. When she finally reached him, she was out of breath.

"Cuddy," He began, "You're...running."

She rolled her eyes briefly before focusing on the reason why she really needed to talk to him.

"Have you talked to House?"

Wilson gave her a look. "About what? The fact that he's been drinking himself stupid and obsessing over something that he can't stop from happening, or the fact that his work life is slowly shutting down and the hospital is in jeopardy of losing business in the diagnostics department? Choose carefully."

Wilson knew he was taking his anger of House out on her but he couldn't help it. He needed to vent to someone and with Amber gone, he didn't get to talk things over like they used to, and so he had to take what he could get.

"About all of it!" Cuddy exclaimed. "House hasn't been himself and he needs to be, otherwise this hospital and I are going to go insane."

"The only reason you would go insane is because he isn't making cruel remarks about your wardrobe anymore and buying you desks." Wilson said, surprising himself. The look on Cuddy's face showed he had done the same thing to her. He didn't know how much anger he really had. "Look, I'm sorry. You're right House hasn't been House and it seems to be throwing everyone off. But, he needs some time to process this clearly because if he doesn't, this could all become permanent."

"How do we know it already isn't _becoming_ permanent?"

"We don't," Wilson replied, "But all we can do is hope for the best."

Cuddy put her hands on her hips, her expression confused. "Why does this shock him so much? Chase and Cameron have been going out for almost three years, didn't the idea of them getting married ever cross House's mind as a possible outcome?"

Wilson sighed. "I really don't think House ever thought a proposal would be in the picture. I think he figured they would date for awhile, break up, and everything would go back to normal, like Cameron working in the ER or for him and all would be forgotten."

Cuddy straightened. "Do you think he's in love with her?"

"I don't know, but with the way he's acting it's entirely possible," Wilson said seriously. "I'm seeing some similarities from after he and Stacey broke up to right now after he found out about the engagement."

"You're right," Cuddy said quietly. "I see them too."

Before Wilson could say anything more, Cuddy walked away. Wilson didn't exactly know why he felt the need to dump all of that on her, but he knew now that he had, she felt dejected and most likely willing to talk things over with House.

He just wondered what Cameron had to say about all of this.

-

Cameron's last few weeks had been complete hell. She was working late hours in the ER, on purpose, and then the rest of her time was either spent planning for the wedding or trying to please Chase. Needless to say, Cameron was feeling overwhelmed and not at all ready for the upcoming occasion. Not to mention that ever since House had visited her in the ER she hadn't been able to get his words out of her mind. Should she have listened to what he was saying more and realized this was his way of trying? Had she been so blinded by her obsessive need to hear him say words that would convince her what he felt for her was real that she was missing the milestones? All day everyday those questions haunting her. She wished they would go away. With her wedding in less than 4 months, she didn't have time to think about anyone else, especially House.

She had heard he was slipping up at work, drinking on the job and not getting any cases done. So far she hadn't heard of Cuddy reprimanding him too hard, but Cameron knew everyone in the hospital was tired of his slacking off, and wanted someone to do something about it. Even the nurses down in the ER were gossiping about how this might be the day when Cuddy finally fires him and gets someone useful in the Diagnostics department. Cameron wanted to slap them. House was anything but useless. Had they not seen all the cases he solved? All the lives he saved? She couldn't believe how ignorant they were being, until she realized they didn't know House like she did, or at least like she thought she did. If she knew him that well she would be able to admit that his acting out could possibly be because of her upcoming wedding. Instead, she was being in denial. But _God_ she wanted to see him. The last time they talked things were messy, very messy and all Cameron wanted to do was make it better. In fact, ever since Cameron heard the rumblings of House's sudden slip she wanted nothing more than to go up and talk to him. But she had to remember that Chase would be suspicious and that she became vulnerable when she was around House.

She didn't know exactly what she felt for him yet, but the fact that she felt anything at all should have been a warning sign. She was trying to be strong and avoid him, acting all tough on the outside when really she would be aching to see him on the inside. And how _close_ they were to actually getting somewhere. Cameron had never seen House be that defenseless towards her than when he last talked to her. All it did was make her want to forget about the wedding and give him a try. But Chase had been so faithful and dedicated to their relationship that Cameron couldn't imagine breaking up with him. Especially when their wedding was just a few months away.

Cameron was reading a patient's chart when she suddenly felt a tap on her shoulder. Her initial thought was House, but then she reasoned that he wouldn't down here, not after their last conversation. When she turned around she was met with James Wilson. Usually she enjoyed his company, they had become friends after she helped him through Amber's death and he had helped her when it came to Chase and her job. Their friendship was one of the few she had that was actually beneficial and so she appreciated it, until this very moment. She almost groaned, knowing he was undoubtedly here to talk about House.

"Hi Wilson," She greeted, trying to sound casual but knowing her voice was a little shaken.

"Hello Cameron," He greeted back. He fumbled his hands, obviously torn about how to approach the subject without saying something stupid first.

"How are you?" She asked.

"Not so good," He admitted.

"House?"

Wilson's eyes darted up at her, and he wasn't entirely sure whether he was shocked that she could read him well or the fact that almost every problem he ever had had to do something with House.

"How'd you guess?" He half joked.

She smiled softly. "There isn't one person in this hospital that isn't talking about him."

"He's going through a hard time," Wilson replied nodding. "Just like I said he would."

Cameron avoided his eyes. "I know."

"So, are you going to talk to him?"

"About what?" Cameron said, exasperated. Wilson just gave her a look. "Even if House was reacting this way because of my engagement what do you want me to do? _I'm_ the one getting engaged. It's not like I can just hop into his arms and ride away. I don't even know if he wants that anyways."

"Do you have feelings for him?"

Cameron's eyes widened and her cheeks blushed scarlet red. She wished she still didn't do that whenever his name was mentioned.

"That's not an appropriate question." She replied.

"Well judging by the way you blushed I'd say it was the most appropriate one of all."

She didn't say anything, knowing whatever she said would be countered by one of Wilson's responses. She just lowered her eyes and let out a breath.

"He's a mess Cameron," Wilson said quietly, "It hasn't been this bad since Stacey."

At this Cameron snapped her head up. She remembered when Stacey came back town and she was jealous of her, of her past with House, and the way she mesmerized him without even lifting a finger. It was what she wanted to do with House, well not exactly the past part, but she just wanted him to want her enough so that he would still care if they met again years later. Hearing this now just made it all so very real and overpowering.

"You have to talk to him before he gets fired and spirals down even more."

But she _couldn't_. It was too hard seeing him, knowing that she was feeling these things and wanting to be with him but at the same time devoted to Chase and getting ready to start a future with him.

Cameron wasn't one for cheating, but her relationship with House was always misunderstood and underestimated. They both had a power over one another that no one else could match. She knew she would succumb to his eyes and then it would be the end of her, plus the end of her and Chase's relationship. And she wasn't sure she was ready to do that just yet.

"It's too hard," She whispered. "I can't…be around him."

Wilson didn't say anything more, but looked at her seriously. Cameron knew she would have to face him at least a couple more times before her wedding, but the thought of seeing him now in this condition was impossible. What would she say to him anyways? She couldn't comfort him anymore, couldn't try to lighten his mood and find out what was wrong. It wasn't her place, and it surely wasn't the safest idea.

She sighed and watched Wilson walk away. As he was leaving she could see through the door he ran into House. House lost his balance and mumbled something rude to Wilson. Wilson tried to help him up, with some struggle. And all Cameron could do was watch as her former boss fell apart right in front of her eyes. Because of her. Because he was hurt. No matter the cause, Cameron had to do something about it.

She took a deep breath and decided.

She would have to try.

-

**A/N: I know this is late, and I apologize completely. Things got in the way and I didn't really think anyone was reading this! But incase you are, there is more coming and the next part should be up in a couple days! Thanks so much for your reviews, they made my day!**


	4. Find Your Way Back Part 2

In an attempt to hide out in the lounge to avoid Cuddy, House had instead apparently attracted her. He was just getting something he found hidden behind all the rest of the crappy soda and water when he heard the clicking of heels and swishing of clothes. He groaned loudly, already knowing she was here to talk. Ever since she knew about _him_ knowing about Cameron's engagement she had been overbearing, almost like she didn't want him out of her sight. He took it lightly, shrugging it off by being able to steer clear of her some of the time, but the other times she found him exactly when he really didn't want her to.

For example, like right now.

"What is this, you're second drink of the day?" She asked, peering over him like a hawk.

House, still buried in the fridge, poked his head up and looked at her. "My first actually, but thanks for playing."

Cuddy rolled her eyes, ignoring his remark. "You don't need a drink right now."

"And you would know this how?"

"You can't drink the pain away anymore House," She began and it was then House knew this wasn't going to be some playful conversation.

"This is none of your business," He said and grabbed the nearest bottle of whatever he could see and stood up, closing the fridge as he did. Cuddy leaned against it, her hands on her hips.

"I'm your friend House, all I want to do is help you. I…care about you."

She said it softly, and it just made House feel that much worse because he didn't feel the same way. He knew of her feelings for a while, but now that she was voicing them, it made it harder to face her.

"Well, like I told Wilson earlier, I don't _need_ anyone's help. I'm doing perfectly fine on my own," He replied and cracked open the bottle, looking at her in disbelief. "Jeez, why does everybody jump a cripple when he decides he wants a drink in the morning?"

He of course decided to skip over her comment and go on right to the sarcasm. Cuddy knew him though, and skipped right over it too.

"Maybe because mixing it before with your Vicodin pills was dangerous, but mixing it now with all the extra alcohol you have been consuming lately it could be lethal."

"Thanks, I went to medical school too."

House walked passed her and set the bottle down on the counter. He began flipping through the cabinets, letting the doors slam shut as he flew by them. It was just enough noise to drown out whatever Cuddy was ready to throw his way and it also just simply annoyed her. Damn it, where were the cups?

"What are you doing?" She asked impatiently, her voice raised because of the noise.

"Looking for cups," He answered, "Apparently the hospital needs to restock on some important necessities."

"House I need to talk to you," She said seriously.

House, being in no mood for such things, finally gave up on searching for the cups and retreated to the water tank in the corner of the room, stealing a paper one from there. Cuddy just waited expectantly, her feet tapping against the marble floor. He had an idea of what Cuddy could possibly want to talk about with him, since there were so many things she could choose from. It was either about the wedding, his lack of working, his overuse of Vicodin, the abuse of alcohol, her feelings, or maybe even about the very expensive bean bag chair he sent to her office just for fun. Either way, he didn't feel like discussing any of it.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about anything…" She began and moved over to the chairs in the room, plopping down in one of them.

"You know me so well," House feigned sensitivity.

"But we need to discuss what's going on with you and why it's going on."

House rolled his eyes but stopped halfway through. If she wanted to know what was going on with him, it would have to do with the alcohol and his work ethic, but since the cause is mentioned with it, it's most likely going to turn into a conversation about Cameron. And House just couldn't go down that road right now.

Unfortunately knowing that no matter what he did she wouldn't leave until she had her answers, House begrudgingly plopped in the chair across from hers. He folded his hands in his lap and waited.

"Obviously, I have a problem with your lack of cases lately, but this isn't just about you. It's about your team too."

Truthfully House hadn't thought of his team in a long time. As far as he knew they were keeping themselves busy with his mail and other random paperwork that came their way. He'd be lying if he said he didn't miss the puzzles, but he knew with the way he was feeling right now he wouldn't be much help anyways. Although, they might get some things off of his mind. That would help a lot.

"They're fine. And as far as my lack of cases, it's not my fault we've hit a dry spell. People are just getting healthier and healthier everyday, it's out of my control." House said.

"People haven't been giving you cases because you can't complete them. _This_ is the problem."

House eyed her skeptically. "But not the only problem."

"No," Cuddy was trying to choose her words carefully, "There's also the issue of what caused this sudden carelessness. I know you're lazy House, but not _this_ lazy."

House glared at her, his big blue eyes focused on her face only. He could see she was squirming under his gaze, something Cameron used to do but instead now she matched it. Though when their conversations got too personal he would catch her blushing and it made him feel better knowing she still was affected by him.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying—or well _asking_ really…"

House knew what was coming, and Cuddy's stumbling over her words made the whole situation more irritating.

"Yes Dr. Cuddy?" He snapped.

Cuddy straightened herself. "Do you have feelings for Dr. Cameron?"

House was prepared for the question but not the answer. It was a lose/lose situation. It didn't matter what he said. If he said no, Cuddy would accuse him of lying and then be fully convinced he was in love with Cameron, but if he said yes Cuddy would feel bad and then it could spread around the hospital, making his life that much more difficult.

"I don't know," Was the best he could do.

Cuddy looked at him for a moment, and he could see her quietly contemplating whether to tell him to go for Cameron or to forget all about her. He knew Cuddy had feelings for him, strong ones, but he also knew she figured he didn't have them back. Cuddy was his friend, and now that the possibility of something more came around, he didn't feel like talking to her about this.

"The drinking needs to stop House." She said.

House softened up a little. "Might as well get started on all the partying I'm going to do at the wedding, right?" He said lightly.

"People don't drink unless something's bothering them. You think you're covering this up but in turn you're making everyone realize this is effecting you a lot more than you let on."

He looked down at the floor, bouncing his cane up and down, making that thumping noise that everyone hated so much. He realized she was right, he was revealing more about himself by doing all of this. But he didn't care who saw him like this, who figured out that he was hurting even more so than usual. He only wanted one person to notice, and so far she hadn't.

He nodded softly and she got up and rubbed his arm reassuringly.

"I'm here if you need me," She whispered before she left the room.

House bounced his cane up and down again, unable to think of anything else but how he got himself into this mess. Everything was slipping away, changing and evolving for the worse. For once he wished he could go back and have his old team of Cameron, Chase and Forman when there were no relationships and they all just worked hard, more concerned about the cases than their feelings. Cuddy was still his friend and he could still do his job. But it wasn't like before anymore, and House sadly thought about how it would never be that like that again.

-

Cameron waited until her shift was over to go up and see House. She didn't even know if he was still here. She had been shaking the whole night out of nervousness, and still wasn't sure if she was going to be able to go through with it.

She knew she shouldn't be anxious about seeing him, because she's seen him over a hundred times ever since they started working together, but the ring on her finger made her feel otherwise. It was different now, _she_ was different now. That ring made everything have more meaning, more boundaries. Cameron even considered taking it off and putting it on a chain, feeling ten times better just thinking about it, but didn't dare because of Chase. It was always because of Chase.

She took the elevator up to his floor, remembering how she and House were in one together the morning after she and Chase slept together. She had looked and felt terrible, and she knew the whole time they were in the elevator together he was wondering what the hell had happened to her. Later on though, once he found out what happened, he had gone back to his stoic ways and left her alone, only bothering her when she got her test results back.

The doors _pinged_ and she took a few steps out, just enough to be out of the elevator, and stopped. There was absolutely no one on this floor, and even though it was early into the next day Cameron figured at least some people would still be around. Walking towards his office, she found someone who was.

She looked through the glass, seeing him leaning back in his chair, his feet up on his desk, head back and eyes closed. He looked at peace, but Cameron knew he only was when he was sleeping. She slowly made her way down the corridor, taking a deep breath before going in.

The doors swished like they always did, and Cameron gave a small smile at the familiar feeling.

Cameron saw his eyes snap open once he heard the noise and his blue eyes quickly landed on her. Cameron, trying not to feel so intimidated, walked right up to the front of his desk and sat in one of the chairs. He stared at her for a moment, his eyes full of questions but his mouth not able to voice any of them. She didn't know how she was going to start all of this, or really what she was even doing here, but she knew soon enough one of them would start talking.

House won.

"Mrs. Chase," He began, his voice once again mocking, "This is certainly a surprise."

"Will you please stop calling me that?" She asked. "I'm not married yet."

"No, but with the way you and Chase are acting it seems as if you already are," House bit back, revealing his notice of Cameron's extra sweetness towards Chase. Cameron now regretted it.

"I didn't come here to talk about Chase or the wedding; I came here to talk about you."

House smirked and leaned back in his chair, weighing the pros and cons of this situation. True, he did want her to notice his new habits, but he also didn't want a pity visit.

"What is there to talk about?" He asked while getting up. He headed over to his secret stash and pulled out some scotch. He then grabbed one of his trusty glasses that he always had lying around somewhere and put it right in front of her, pouring the poison liquid into the glass and watching her reaction to it.

Cameron gave him a look. She knew what he was doing. It was what he always did when serious situations came about, he acted like a child. He needed attention, and Cameron was starting to believe that the whole drinking thing was just a ploy to get hers. Either way it did, and the fact that it affected her so deeply made Cameron's head spin. Him and his damn games.

"House," She said seriously, "You need to stop this."

The last part came out softly, and House immediately went back to when she was kneeling in front of him while bandaging up his cut from his reckless method of pain release. She was so gentle and so caring with him back then that House couldn't see how things got this bad. He felt like before was so much easier, he was her boss and she was his employee. They had some special moments, lots of tension, and infinite possibilities. He liked that system, liked that constant feeling he got everyday when he walked into work. It was a comfort, and it was a routine. Then suddenly she threw him for a loop by quitting and his life just kept on changing from there. He never had that comfortable routine again.

He eyed the drink again, getting the urge to take the cold glass into his hands and throw it back. He could already feel the burning liquid down his throat. He looked up at her instead and focused on her face.

"Why do you keep on doing this?" She asked.

"Life's a bitch," He replied simply.

"Everyone's is. Everyone has good days and bad days, hell even good years and bad years. The difference is we all handle it differently. I didn't turn to drinking when my husband died and you don't have to turn to drinking just because you have a disability."

House suddenly sat up straight, his blue eyes now icy and staring right into her. Cameron hadn't seen a look like this from him in a long time. Now was one of the few times she really didn't know what was going to come out of his mouth. She could feel herself faltering, and tried to hold herself together.

"Do you really think I just had this bright idea to drink for three straight weeks, drop work, and be miserable so soon after our conversation for it all to be about my leg?"

"House…"

"If you do, you're not as smart as I thought you were."

Swallowing, Cameron slowly got up from her seat and paced around the room. This wasn't going the way she planned at all. Honestly though, what did she expect? She had been in denial for so many weeks, convincing herself that all of this was about his leg and that his pain was just getting worse. House was right, she really was stupid. Her heart began racing, and her head began pounding. Hearing him almost say it made the situation more real to her. She had two guys who were admitting to loving her, being _in_ love with her. Well one said it, but the other one alluded to it more than once. And that's what he was doing now wasn't it? Alluding to it a second time?

She sighed loudly, her frustration coming out clear for House to see. He was watching her intently, trying to guess what she was going to do next. Her posture was stiff, her hands first on her hips and then in her hair. She was falling apart right in front of him it seemed, and it shouldn't make House feel good, but it did. He was getting to her and for the first time in three weeks House didn't feel like drinking.

Suddenly she stormed out of his office, the swishing sound of the doors being the only sound between him and Cameron. He could see her walking down the hallway; shaking her head and running her hands over face, almost as if to wash away their entire conversation. It didn't matter to House though, because he knew no matter how hard she rubbed her face, his words wouldn't leave her mind.

He turned towards the now warm glass of Scotch sitting on his desk and threw it in the sink. He didn't need it anymore; he was getting through to her, slowly making himself more known in her mind. Besides, drinking is bad for you anyways, especially when you're a Vicodin addict.

-

**A/N: I just wanted to thank you all for your reviews! They really inspired me to update more. The next one should be coming some time next week!**


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